For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:24-25
Tomorrow is the big day. I’m still stuck in the amazement of how God orchestrated all of this. While I was dragging my feet to make an LLMD appointment for almost a year, God was working on my heart and arranging the puzzle pieces so they would all fit just right. I worried – not only for how we would be able to afford the appointment cost, but the treatment that is looming on the horizon. I also feared the time I was going to have to wait. I made the appointment in December and April 24th seemed like years away. Now that my primary care doctor stopped treating me, I am getting all of my symptoms back. The longer I go without medicine or antibiotics, the worse my condition becomes. The day I let go of some of those worries and reservations and made the appointment – God replaced the fear and doubt with hope. Money landed unexpectedly in my lap – almost literally, due to the love of friends and even people I have never met. Then my appointment got changed to January 29th because of a cancellation. As I was finishing up the paperwork for the doctor, I turned a page and there in black and white, he asks permission to pray over me before my appointment. He is a believer and believes in the power of prayer. The mere fact that I know about this doctor at all was a total God thing. I know those are not coincidences. I obviously am supposed to go to this Lyme doctor!
I would love to tell you that these obvious and continual “hand of God moves” in my life have made me less fearful of the unknown and that I don’t worry at all about tomorrow. But that would be a big fat lie. Today, I woke up with more fears and doubts…new ones. I am human and I am slow to learn. Sometimes it seems I hardly even have the faith of a mustard seed, but my Father is so patient with me. He knows I struggle and thankfully, his grace and his mercies are new every morning.
Every single day, I have to try to let go of the fear and just rest in his grace. But the last few months have been so hard. I was beginning to lose hope and that played into my fear. The fear was beginning to control my every thought. “What if this doctor can’t help me?” “What if treatment will be too expensive or too difficult?” “What if I will have to do antibiotic IV treatments longterm?” What if? What if? What if? Those questions were zapping my strength and my hope. My focus shifted to my circumstances instead of what had been getting me through this journey all along – hope and the belief that God can use this illness for good in my life.
Saturday evening I was helping out in the bookstore at our church – my favorite place to be – and I saw a friend who, along with others at our church, committed months ago to pray for me daily. After a long hug and words of encouragement, she asked if I would help her pick out a scarf. Our church sells these gorgeous scarves and bags that are handmade by Burmese refugee women and the money goes to help the women start new lives in the U.S. I picked out a couple of my favorites for her to choose from and then got pulled away to help a customer. She came to the register with two scarves. I rang her items up and was about to tell her goodbye when she draped one of the scarves around my neck. With boldness she said, “Wear this scarf to your appointment on Tuesday and know that you are wrapped in prayers and in hope. You and Ryan will be completely covered in prayer. Don’t lose hope.” She said more prayerful words and with tears in my eyes, I mustered a quiet thank you. Her words echo in my heart. “Don’t lose hope.”
These words have also been echoing in my heart today. . .
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:2-5