Spiritual Reflections

Hey Jealousy

Jealousy can be a strange thing. It creeps up on me in the middle of the day, while I’m doing laundry or making coffee. I’m minding my own business and boom. Freaking Facebook! Why haven’t I learned my lesson? I know social media has many positives, but it also can be so damaging when we play the comparison game.

I have written before about my struggle with wanting another baby and how I let that dream go because of this disease. I tried for years after my second little girl to have another baby, to no avail. I got really sick around that same time. After being sick for a few years, I finally found out that I had three Tick-Borne Diseases and I have struggled with it ever since. My body is broken. It hasn’t been working in so many different ways and Lyme was the cause for my sudden infertility. I had to say goodbye to wanting another baby – not only to focus on my health, but because I was tired of living with the weight of unfulfilled expectation. I chose to be thankful for my girls and learn to be content without the big family I had always pictured.

Is it just me or does it seem like everyone and their sister is having babies lately? It’s awesome and I love it. I get my baby fixes from my sweet friends who let me drop in and hold their precious ones and get a whiff of newborn baby smell. 🙂 I love seeing friends become a new mama for the first time or after years of trying for another child. It’s beautiful and I’m sincerely happy for them.

Then it happened. Several Lyme friends and acquaintances posted their joyful news of being pregnant. People I have struggled alongside. I am thrilled for their health, remission from Lyme and their babies to be. I truly am. I’m also human. (Here comes the jealousy part.) One of my friends is pregnant with her third. She prayed and wished and dreamed of having one more chance to be pregnant. Even in the throes of disease, she voiced her desire for another baby and she is pregnant.

When I saw one of the posts, I put my phone down and cried frustrated tears. I hate to admit it, but it’s the truth and for some reason, being vulnerable is the only way I know to write. I can say “I let go” as much as I want, but when it comes down to it – I’m a momma who wasn’t ready to say goodbye to having babies. Seeing this mama get her wish made me so happy, but so sad at the same time. I had prayed the same prayer. I wanted another one. I begged God to take this disease away and give me a baby. I finally surrendered my will, but my human nature wants to question and wonder if God truly has my best. It’s silly when you think about it. Sinful, human, jealous me – questioning my amazing, omnipotent, all-knowing God. I wrestled with him for a few days. I had fits of tears and fits of anger – just me and God… duking it out. It was a soul-searching, exhausting battle. And when all was said and done, I came to the end of myself.

Last week, I was looking up a specific verse and accidentally stumbled onto this one. I’m sure I’ve read it at some point in my life, but it had a new meaning for me.

After-your-season-of

The words glared out at me like new, shiny objects I had never seen before. I studied the verse, memorized it and let it sink in. I stared at it forever and read it out loud after writing it down. It’s sitting on my desk, so I can see it every day and be reminded (in my own handwriting) that in the midst of my human suffering, worries, doubts, fears and yes – even jealousy – He is there for me. Even though it can feel like it with this disease, I am not alone and this is not the end. When this season of suffering is over (whether that be on this earth or in the one to come) He has promised me that He will:

Restore. (Heal, renew, redeem)

Confirm. (Validate, support, justify)

Strengthen. (Build up, sustain, empower)

Establish. (Create, provide, stabilize)

Those words are for me. That’s all I need to know. I don’t need to hold onto jealousy or doubt. I have a promise from my Father… I’m clinging to his purpose for me and no matter what that means or doesn’t mean…I will trust Him.



3 thoughts on “Hey Jealousy

  1. You have no idea how much you encourage me. I so love reading your writings and even though my sufferings are not the same as yours, I too suffer. I too deal with jealousy. I too deal with pain and broken-ness. I too speak “come quickly, Jesus” so that he will end the pain, mental or physical. I too long for the day that I will be restored, strengthened, confirmed, established in His Kingdom. Oh how I struggle. My point is, you are not alone. Yes of course God is with you and you are met and not alone. But others suffer too and when you write, you remind… God is using you to reach little ole me. All I can say is “thank you” – keep writing. Your inspired words are as comforting to me as scripture.

    1. Wow, Amy. Thank you. That was humbling and beautiful. I am so thankful that my ramblings/musings can help or encourage someone else. I often have doubts about being “too” transparent in my writing or wonder if anyone is even reading. I know that we all struggle in one way or another and I always hope that what I write about is relatable. I’m so glad that God uses it for good in your life. <3 u! Reading things like this encourages me so much to keep writing! Thank you for that.

  2. what I have been reading has given me a peep into others walk with the Lord Jesus. I thought satan was using old sins to torture me but now I can see, in HIS wisdom and great love for me, my precious Father was, is trying to get me to deal with myself and slowly grow into HIM and His ways, I’ve always felt very uncomfortable looking at pictures or home movies because of the memories of my state of mind which I now can see was a heart of ungratefulness and yes jealousies of everyone until one day I listened to my own self and realized ,God loves me too and gives blessings even to the disobedient ones. I’ve always loved the Lord but just didn’t stop to consider how very much HE loves me. Now He grows me deeper and stronger as the days go by.One thing after the other is being dealt with, it is painful some days mentally and even physically, cleansing hard scrubbing can be rough on us but worth what is coming after the washing . He uses everyone and everything in my life. I’ve always looked outside of myself for answers to my personal problems not understanding it is me, my own heart, my own relationship with the One who loves me best, has not been dealt with in all honesty, surfacely maybe but not deeply, with all my heart, and as one of the ministries says, It is a LOVE worth finding. It is about LIFE and death this relationship. Praise, honor and all glory goes to my beloved Father for His patience and love for this child as I am comforted, nourished and cherished, taught, diciplined as only the best Father in the universe could. Trusting and knowing He is there for me causes me to relax and breathe. My prayer daily: to be what He knows I can be, counting on His abundance grace every moment.

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